I have a take on all this talk about love...
I believe that as a society we have a confused interpretation of what love is. I have been in love twice in my life. One love good, one love bad. However, neither one has been a swooning, make my heart melt, butterflies in my stomach, head-swooning at his touch kind of love.
Love is a rational emotion. Screw all those people who say love is blind, love is irrational or the heart does what the heart wants. That's bull crap! When you are picking out who to fall in love with and I do believe that it is picking... you should be making a conscious choice. You should be asking yourself several questions, including:
1. Will he stand by me through thick and thin?
2. Does he think I am the best thing that ever happened to him? (but in a realistic way, he has to still be aware of your faults)
3. Is the sex good? Will I be happy only having sex with this man for the rest of my life.
4. Will a life with him be the life I want? (and I say this in regards to standard of living)
5. Does he like me for me and do I like him for him?
No matter how much you "like" someone, he is going to bug the shit out of you sometimes and the reality is that you are going to bug the shit out of him sometimes. How will those moments be handled?
Yes, I believe true love exists. I truly love my husband. I love that he is kind and gentle, doesn't have a mean or selfish bone in his body. I love that I didn't settle for something, that I married the best person I have ever known. There have been times where I've gotten bored with our relationship, I wouldn't call us passionate, but we are steady and secure. He is a "soft," "safe" place for me to land when the rest of the world beats me up. And I believe THAT is true love.
Love is not the stuff movies are made of, it is not the stuff in love songs. I'm not a romantic person, I don't believe all the romantic hooey! Love in the real world isn't swoony, instead it is work. Love is finding someone you like, someone you respect, who feels the same way about you. Love is making a conscious decision that having this person's companionship is worth giving up some of your selfishness for. Love is deciding that someone else's happiness is the most important thing to you, but this only works if your happiness is the most important thing to him.
All I have to say is damn those movies and songs who give us a false impression. Damn them for making it look easy. I think these stupid movies are what contribute to the incredibly high divorce rate. A romance and courtship like those in the movies isn't likely cut out for success. What do you think happens to those characters when they bug each other, what happens when there is no money? What happens when they are both cranky because they've been up with sick kids all night? Or when there is a bitchy ex wife to deal with? Movies never show what happens when the rubber hits the road. A good, kind, reliable man (not necessarily a beautiful man) is what you need when the rubber hits the road. Love only lasts when you decide that you know the tough parts that are going to be present, you go in with your eyes wide open and you decide that you can live with those issues. You've picked your battles and are up to the challenges. You decide that even when crap comes up, you are getting enough benefit out of the situation that it is worth what you are putting in to it.
-The Short of it
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Love....
I was asked by a good friend recently exactly what I thought about love.....is it real, is it like the movies, what about love songs?? I initially told her I was the wrong person on this subject because I was too jaded and I would ask The Short of it to write about it cause she's in love and happy. She reminded me that jaded people need support too, so here goes my attempt to explain the ridiculousness called LOVE.
My first example of love was my parents. They have been married for 31 years....pretty happily I think. They have never been separated and the word "divorce" has never been uttered in their house. I think my parents had the right idea....they didn't marry until my mom was 27 and my dad was 30. There is no way, I don't care who you are, that you should do what I did and marry at 20! There is no way to have the maturity or life experience to handle what life will throw out you when you leave the nest. My parents are great friends and a good balance. My dad handles the finances and happily does dishes after dinner and my mom keeps the house up and makes sure my dad doesn't mess anything up too bad. But ask me what the key to a 30 year marriage is, I have no idea!
A little background....I was married young, had 2 kids and after 8 years we separated and are now divorcing. The love I shared with my X was an interesting thing. We are really great friends and good co-parents, but as a married couple we sucked! if that's what married love is supposed to be....I'M OUT! I understand that the passion may fade and the honeymoon ends, but I was suffocating from the lack of attention, affection, and damn it, I'll say it, the lack of SEX! I believe that it's not always gonna be the way it is in the beginning of a relationship, but Dear God can we do it more then once a month?? Beyond the physical, there was a general lack of caring for my general well being. I'm pretty sure when you tell someone who "loves" you that you've lost yourself and you're dying, they should CARE! Call me crazy? So, back to the hellish dating world I go!
"Movie love" and "love song love" belong exactly where they are....in LA LA Land. That stuff does not exist in real life. It's ok to have butterflies and feel all the infatuation and lust, but that part doesn't last. I think that type of love that talks about "watching you while you sleep" and "can't live without you" is not real and damn those song writers for making us think it does. People get together and people fall apart. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
So, what will I look for the second time around? Look out for the crazy! I understand that everyone has their issues, but there's a fine line between quirky and mentally ill. I will look for a man that is financially, or at least career stable. No more unemployment!! I need someone who appreciates me....as a woman, as a mother, as a person and won't allow me to lose myself ever again. I want the completeness and wholeness that people talk about.....someone who holds me together and keeps me grounded. Do you think he exists?? If he does he's probably already taken!
**The Long of it**
My first example of love was my parents. They have been married for 31 years....pretty happily I think. They have never been separated and the word "divorce" has never been uttered in their house. I think my parents had the right idea....they didn't marry until my mom was 27 and my dad was 30. There is no way, I don't care who you are, that you should do what I did and marry at 20! There is no way to have the maturity or life experience to handle what life will throw out you when you leave the nest. My parents are great friends and a good balance. My dad handles the finances and happily does dishes after dinner and my mom keeps the house up and makes sure my dad doesn't mess anything up too bad. But ask me what the key to a 30 year marriage is, I have no idea!
A little background....I was married young, had 2 kids and after 8 years we separated and are now divorcing. The love I shared with my X was an interesting thing. We are really great friends and good co-parents, but as a married couple we sucked! if that's what married love is supposed to be....I'M OUT! I understand that the passion may fade and the honeymoon ends, but I was suffocating from the lack of attention, affection, and damn it, I'll say it, the lack of SEX! I believe that it's not always gonna be the way it is in the beginning of a relationship, but Dear God can we do it more then once a month?? Beyond the physical, there was a general lack of caring for my general well being. I'm pretty sure when you tell someone who "loves" you that you've lost yourself and you're dying, they should CARE! Call me crazy? So, back to the hellish dating world I go!
"Movie love" and "love song love" belong exactly where they are....in LA LA Land. That stuff does not exist in real life. It's ok to have butterflies and feel all the infatuation and lust, but that part doesn't last. I think that type of love that talks about "watching you while you sleep" and "can't live without you" is not real and damn those song writers for making us think it does. People get together and people fall apart. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
So, what will I look for the second time around? Look out for the crazy! I understand that everyone has their issues, but there's a fine line between quirky and mentally ill. I will look for a man that is financially, or at least career stable. No more unemployment!! I need someone who appreciates me....as a woman, as a mother, as a person and won't allow me to lose myself ever again. I want the completeness and wholeness that people talk about.....someone who holds me together and keeps me grounded. Do you think he exists?? If he does he's probably already taken!
**The Long of it**
Monday, July 28, 2008
Anonymous....
I understand that having an addiction is hard, I'm not denying that. I, myself, have never had an addiction so I can not fully understand the full range of crap that comes with it. However, I do believe there are some general things that most rational people can agree on when it comes to addictions.
With that in mind.....I was told by a friend (and I use that term in the loosest sense of the word) that her addiction, gambling, was "the worst addiction you can have." I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure someone addicted to meth would disagree with that statement!
At what point in our society did we start comparing our bad habits and judging which is the worst? This girl was seriously proud that her addiction was the "worst!" Drugs and alcohol change the chemistry of your brain forever....what exactly does putting a quarter in a slot machine do to your biology? Nothing!! Get over yourself!
**The Long of it**
With that in mind.....I was told by a friend (and I use that term in the loosest sense of the word) that her addiction, gambling, was "the worst addiction you can have." I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure someone addicted to meth would disagree with that statement!
At what point in our society did we start comparing our bad habits and judging which is the worst? This girl was seriously proud that her addiction was the "worst!" Drugs and alcohol change the chemistry of your brain forever....what exactly does putting a quarter in a slot machine do to your biology? Nothing!! Get over yourself!
**The Long of it**
Take what you dish
On Friday I was told by a coworker/friend that I'm too mean to her... Who me mean? Honestly, this comes from a woman who calls me a midget, talks about my son's large head and tells another friend that his wife is ugly. Is this not the pot calling the kettle black? I don't have any problem with being teased about my lack of height, my six year old son doesn't have any problem with being teased about a large head, but if you are going to dish it out, you have GOT to be prepared to take some teasing in return. (I'm sure that being told your wife is ugly does fall in another category)
I don't want to be mean. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. But this friend and I have always teased each other. Is it okay to suddenly change the friendship rules on me without some notice and some evidence that she is willing to change some of her own actions?
I'm a little peeved about being told I'm mean, if you can't tell. I'm a nice person, damn it!
She ended the conversation in a round about way by telling me that she isn't getting "any" (sex is the translation here, in case you were a step behind.) Ah hah! I think we have the real issue targeted! But this leads me to the conclusion, maybe if she was a little nicer she'd have someone who was up for a booty call every now and then. Don't take frustrations over an empty bedroom out on me!
-The Short of it
I don't want to be mean. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. But this friend and I have always teased each other. Is it okay to suddenly change the friendship rules on me without some notice and some evidence that she is willing to change some of her own actions?
I'm a little peeved about being told I'm mean, if you can't tell. I'm a nice person, damn it!
She ended the conversation in a round about way by telling me that she isn't getting "any" (sex is the translation here, in case you were a step behind.) Ah hah! I think we have the real issue targeted! But this leads me to the conclusion, maybe if she was a little nicer she'd have someone who was up for a booty call every now and then. Don't take frustrations over an empty bedroom out on me!
-The Short of it
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Not so sweet freedom....
From the moment my children were born, I have looked forward to them going to Kindergarten. For mothers, this is a major milestone in a child's life and marks their entrance into mainstream society. Yes, children go to preschool, and both of mine did, but that was different. I paid for that and therefore felt I had some control over what happened. So now, as I look forward to sending my baby off to his first day of Kindergarten tomorrow, I look back at the long journey to this moment.
Baby M came out screaming. He wasn't even technically born yet and he was screaming. I should have known then what I was in for. He was such a sweet baby.....very easy going and content. He was the typical baby of the family though, demanding everyone's attention, but he has always had an incredible independence that I envied. He never wanted to be helped when he was learning to take his first few steps and always seemed to resent me trying to get him to talk. So, although he could both walk and talk, for the most part, he refused. That was until he realized the immense atonomy he would gain by joining the upright and verbal. He potty trained himself. M decided one day he wanted to join the "stand up peeing club" and from then on we were done with diapers. He never even wore pull-ups at night. He has also dressed himself from a very young age, and by "dress himself" I mean pick out his outfit and have me put it on him....he is a little lazy, typical male.
My little boy started preschool a couple years ago and has done phenomenally. He's definitely the class clown but very sweet and all the girls love him. He's kind and witty and has a wonderful way with people. I am so excited for the world to love him, but a part of me wants to keep him to myself. Keep him safe and warm where he always knows he's loved. So I send you off now, M, remember to be nice to people, even when they're not nice to you. And always do your best at everything you do. Don't let girls trick you into anything and don't eat glue. And above all, remember that you are so special and so loved and I will always be here for a big, squishy hug and mooches. You are my smart, independent, brave boy and you're going to be AMAZING!
**The Long of it**
Baby M came out screaming. He wasn't even technically born yet and he was screaming. I should have known then what I was in for. He was such a sweet baby.....very easy going and content. He was the typical baby of the family though, demanding everyone's attention, but he has always had an incredible independence that I envied. He never wanted to be helped when he was learning to take his first few steps and always seemed to resent me trying to get him to talk. So, although he could both walk and talk, for the most part, he refused. That was until he realized the immense atonomy he would gain by joining the upright and verbal. He potty trained himself. M decided one day he wanted to join the "stand up peeing club" and from then on we were done with diapers. He never even wore pull-ups at night. He has also dressed himself from a very young age, and by "dress himself" I mean pick out his outfit and have me put it on him....he is a little lazy, typical male.
My little boy started preschool a couple years ago and has done phenomenally. He's definitely the class clown but very sweet and all the girls love him. He's kind and witty and has a wonderful way with people. I am so excited for the world to love him, but a part of me wants to keep him to myself. Keep him safe and warm where he always knows he's loved. So I send you off now, M, remember to be nice to people, even when they're not nice to you. And always do your best at everything you do. Don't let girls trick you into anything and don't eat glue. And above all, remember that you are so special and so loved and I will always be here for a big, squishy hug and mooches. You are my smart, independent, brave boy and you're going to be AMAZING!
**The Long of it**
Sweet Freedom!
Being a step parent sucks butt! It is the hardest, most under-appreciated, and unfun job in the world. Some mom's think they are under-appreciated, but really it is the step-mothers of this world who have it rough. All the blood, sweat and tears, none of the glory or the fun stuff.
But, after 7 loooong weeks of having my step children, they have returned to their mom's house and I am free like the wind. I can step back and take a breath and enjoy the fact that it will be 4 whole months before they return.
After 7 weeks, two broken computers, 40 dinners, 1 billion mediated arguments, $400 dollars in daycare, 75 loads of laundry, saying close the door 6600 times, two visits with the in-laws and waking up at 5:30 in the morning 35 times... I get a break! I might be a lousy step parent, but Lord knows I need this break, I've deserved the break and I'm taking the break. Until my own children return from two weeks of vacation with their dad on Friday, I'm not cooking, I'm not cleaning, I'm not doing laundry and no one is allowed to tell me they are hungry or bored. What will I do? For the next 5 1/2 days I will be running around the house naked and eating nothing but cookies and ice cream! Please, do not disturb.
-The Short of it
But, after 7 loooong weeks of having my step children, they have returned to their mom's house and I am free like the wind. I can step back and take a breath and enjoy the fact that it will be 4 whole months before they return.
After 7 weeks, two broken computers, 40 dinners, 1 billion mediated arguments, $400 dollars in daycare, 75 loads of laundry, saying close the door 6600 times, two visits with the in-laws and waking up at 5:30 in the morning 35 times... I get a break! I might be a lousy step parent, but Lord knows I need this break, I've deserved the break and I'm taking the break. Until my own children return from two weeks of vacation with their dad on Friday, I'm not cooking, I'm not cleaning, I'm not doing laundry and no one is allowed to tell me they are hungry or bored. What will I do? For the next 5 1/2 days I will be running around the house naked and eating nothing but cookies and ice cream! Please, do not disturb.
-The Short of it
Friday, July 25, 2008
Be a Man
Every man has issues!!!
I married a man that is kind and funny and sensitive. But... Oh God, he has two kids! Two kids who are spoiled and rude and rotten. Yes, he recognizes this, but is he doing anything about it? Absolutely not! He is scared of their mother, scared of making them unhappy and this is contributing to their unruliness! No matter how much you do for a spoiled child, it is never enough! That is the very definition of spoiled!
I believe single fathers get a bum rap, but Holy Cow men! Stand up and be men! Being divorced and a part time father does NOT mean you have an excuse to be less of a father. You are not their friend, you do not have to spoil them to compensate for the childhood that the divorce has created. They need you to parent them to compensate for it. Spoiling, teaching entitlement and being scared of your own children will only give them additional issues. If you have a bad ex, then someone has to teach your children proper values and work ethic.
-The Short of it
I married a man that is kind and funny and sensitive. But... Oh God, he has two kids! Two kids who are spoiled and rude and rotten. Yes, he recognizes this, but is he doing anything about it? Absolutely not! He is scared of their mother, scared of making them unhappy and this is contributing to their unruliness! No matter how much you do for a spoiled child, it is never enough! That is the very definition of spoiled!
I believe single fathers get a bum rap, but Holy Cow men! Stand up and be men! Being divorced and a part time father does NOT mean you have an excuse to be less of a father. You are not their friend, you do not have to spoil them to compensate for the childhood that the divorce has created. They need you to parent them to compensate for it. Spoiling, teaching entitlement and being scared of your own children will only give them additional issues. If you have a bad ex, then someone has to teach your children proper values and work ethic.
-The Short of it
2AM??
Why is it that some people think it is appropriate to communicate at 2 o'clock in the morning? I'm a single mom, working full time, trying to survive! Does it not seem implied that I would be asleep at that ungodly hour? Well, for those of you who are confused....I'M ASLEEP AT 2AM!! And if I don't respond to your ridiculous text message, it doesn't meaning I'm ignoring you.....again, I'M ASLEEP!! Furthermore, why, on God's green earth, would I want to argue at that time? I don't! Booty call....maybe, but not an argument! Although, I did seem to be at my wittiest with my hair sticking up and my eyeballs glued shut. So, the moral of the story is.....#1 don't call me at 2am unless someone is dying.....#2 don't try to start a fight with me at 2am cause it'll make me mad and I'll probably win.....#3 don't be psycho and weird (even though I know "you can't help it")!
**The Long of it**
**The Long of it**
An Introduction....
We are 2 early 30's mothers, 1 wife, 1 in the dating world, frustrated daughters, and best friends. We love chocolate, hate stupid people, and are certainly going to HELL. We plan to bitch and moan and point out the ridiculousness of life. If it wasn't for bad luck there would be no luck at all. Enjoy....
**The Long and The Short of it**
**The Long and The Short of it**
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