Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Phone call

I got the strangest phone call from my ex. He wanted to know if he was a bad father (do you really want to ask me this question); He told me that he has been struggling with the choices he made and wondering if he has screwed our kids up with his selfishness (no, only because they have such an amazing mother and wonderful stepfather); He told me that we could have loved each other forever (ummm, I was never really in love with you). Yeah, I had some reactions to what he was saying, but there I was talking calmness into him. Instead of the things I really wanted to say to him, I reassured him that he is a good father, that we needed to get a divorce because we weren't happy and that in the best of times we were dysfunctional.

The whole conversation left me with a bit of an ego boost. I had the distinct impression that if I weren't remarried he would have asked me to give him another chance, there was an acknowledgement that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. After the ego deflation that our divorce was, it was nice to have the ego boost. More than anything, though, it was WEIRD! Is it really still my job to comfort him, to put him back together when he is upset? Yeah, I'm a coward, I could have told him some things straight up... but in reality I'm glad that he shit on our marriage. I'm grateful that he gave me an excuse to get out of the bad marriage. And, if I must be honest, I guess I'm glad that we still have a decent enough relationship that he feels comfortable enough to call me with his weird self-doubt issues.

--The Short of It

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Mother and Daughter....

I believe I have just entered the Twilight Zone. I have been planning on relocating back to where I came from (location withheld cause if I told ya I'd have to kill ya) which consisted of me, a 30 year old mother of 2 moving back in with her parents. Ok, not the ideal situation but a good stepping stone.....and by stepping stone I mean free babysitting and the occasional $20 from my dad. My mom has been UBER excited about this, in short because she lost her own mother in March and has been very lonely. Mostly, I think she wants her grandbabies back and it really has nothing to do with my existence. Anyway, I am in the process of being offered a very good job about an hour and a half from my parents and in the same town as The Short of It (very exciting to say the least). Doesn't sound like a problem you say.....very true, but my mother is not having it!

I knew she wouldn't be happy, but I assumed that she would be happy for me to be able to get a good job, support myself and my boys, and not live at their house until I'm 60 and only have 12 cats to keep me company. Apparently not.....she wasted no time in contacting everyone she knew in the small town they live in to find me a comparable job. She has no clue she will never be able to find something for the $ these other fools are offering me! Yet, I continue to let her spin her wheels. Basically, this just keeps her off the phone with me and spares me the constant attitude and shameless guilt trip.

I understand she's lonely and wants us to be there to fulfill her every Nana dream, but what about me? I've definitely been lost in this whole thing....by the way, I lived with them for 4 months about 2 years ago and I can still see the scars on my wrists, it was torture! So, I have a choice to make....either I lose my mind or my mom will....what to do?? If I lose my mind, bad things like excessive drinking and sex with strangers. If my mom loses her mind, she will bake too many cookies, sew buttons on anything that will stand still, and insist on babysitting every weekend. Not a hard choice for me, but oh the guilt is unbearable!

**The Long of It**

The crockpot theory

I've heard women compared to crockpots. When it comes to sex, we are like a crockpot, there needs to be a low heat all day long to get us cookin' at night in the bedroom. We aren't just light switches that can be turned on at will, we take some simmering.

Lately, my husband has been shameful at the simmering part. He's been sitting on the couch, doing nothing a lot lately. My house is a mess with things that he hasn't picked up. He hasn't been overly affectionate throughout the day. I bought a new microwave, but wasn't quite strong enough to move the old one, I needed his help. Waiting for him to "get around to it," the new one sat in the living room for a week before he moved the old one, now the old one is sitting on my kitchen table for another week! We got a new bed for the girls, Sunday we took down their old bunkbed. My husband moved it to the livingroom where it is still sitting and I have tripped over it daily for the last 4 days.

My husband hasn't done anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything right this week!

Where does that leave me at night, in the bedroom? It leaves me feeling cold. Last night, I could tell he clearly wanted some action, it had been a while. He was doing the bedroom foreplay things to make it happen, but he hadn't done the all day foreplay things. What do you do with that? I laid there trying to figure out if I should ignore him and roll over and go to sleep. Should I lay there and just let him do his thing? Should I participate and hope that I would start to get in the mood? The quandary going on in my head sure wasn't doing anything to help turn me on. I've never had this issue with my husband, normally he is generous, attentive and anything but lazy around the house. But I had the problem last night! I didn't want to get into the whole discussion right there in bed about what was going on. I'll admit it... in the end, I participated only enough so that he didn't catch on. Mainly, I let him do his thing. He wasn't getting all of the bells and whistles in the bedroom, I wasn't happy with him.

One night of pity sex is my limit, though. He damn well better get that crockpot plugged in!

--The Short of It

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Anonymous Blog....

The Short of It and I have many blogs that we are fond of and read frequently. However, we have recently been disappointed by a certain blog that we used to be in love with. I won't mention the blog or include a link because here, we are anonymous and it may reveal our very exciting identities (YEAH RIGHT)!! So anyway, we were initially attracted to this blog because the blogger was very honest. She called things like they were, talked about the hard things, and never seemed to censor herself. Well, something must have happened because for the past few weeks, every post has been about how hard things are and about how she can't talk about it! What?? What the crap is that?? Isn't this the place you go to talk about the hard stuff?? She's not anonymous, so maybe she's afraid of offending someone, but she didn't seem so afraid a couple months ago. I don't get it!! I feel like, either talk about it or don't elude to things you can't talk about. It makes you look like you think you're so important. Or, just get an anonymous blog and chat it up!! Even better, if you don't wanna get an anonymous blog, post an anonymous, bitchy, let it all hang out comment on our anonymous blog....we won't tell!!

**The Long of It**

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


The Long of It asked me to post one of her favorite stories about my first marriage. This actually happened before we got married.

My ex and I were both from the same state, but met out of state while going to college. We got engaged two months after starting to date, and decided that we would go home two months later to get married. A week before the wedding we traveled home to finalize preparations and obtain our marriage license. We had to go to the county seat to apply for our marriage license. It seemed a little strange that the County Clerk's office was inside the town library and in a dirty, poverty stricken area, but we wanted our marriage license so we went where we had to go.

Are you ready? This is the where I was pretty much hit over the head with a giant red flag...a giant red flag that should have warned me that the gods were against this marriage... the red flag that I regret not paying attention to. Standing there in the library signing the papers to finalize our license we overheard someone mentioned that there was a bird in the building. We looked up in an attempt to spot the bird and just at that moment the bird pooped. And of all the places in the library the poop landed right on our marriage license. Serious! Could there be a worse omen for a marriage than to have a giant splotch of poop on your marriage license. We laughed and the clerk typed up a new form, but I should have known then. I should have known then with bird shit soiling the representation of my future marriage that I should run. I should find another relationship that wasn't full of shit!

--The Short of It

Monday, September 15, 2008

Gifted and Talented....

My 8 year old came home from school today with a paper requesting permission to test him for the "Gifted and Talented" program at his school. This was confusing to me cause #1 I can't tell if they sent it home with every kid and #2 to sound like the most horrible parent ever, my kid, really? I didn't consider myself terribly gifted or talented as a kid, but I tested and was placed in the 4th grade into the program. I still don't really know why, but I went and enjoyed it for many years. And don't get me wrong, it's not like I think my kid isn't smart, but I consider him smart in different ways. He's very creative, likes to draw, and he can assemble entire Lego scenarios, but I wouldn't consider him book smart. Last year he went to tutoring after school for writing and the year before for math. To top it off, we just got his progress report not 2 weeks ago and he had a C- in math....I know, I'm horrified too but completely lost for the correct course of action!

I'm totally perplexed by this situation because I have 2 options. Let him be tested with the risk of finding out he's really not smart and needs real help or not let him be tested and be the parent who doesn't think her kid is smart! Both of these options....devastating! My philosophy is to always try to minimize the amount of disappointment and humiliation my kids have to endure. And i know some people would say they need to experience these things cause it makes them stronger....I'm sorry, I'm physically unable to do it. I don't want him to think he's not gifted and talented because he is in so many ways, but not really ways that can be measured by a standardized test! So do I spare him the knowing cause I like the not knowing so much better. I'm not a mean parent, I'm a realistic parent. I understand my children's limitations and maybe it's my fault for not pushing them to exceed those limitations....I just never want them to think they are mediocre cause that's the way I always felt, never the best never the worst just somewhere in the middle. But I don't think that's bad, I mean, I survived....I think?

**The Long of It**

Friday, September 12, 2008

Rooster or Kitten....

Being back in the dating world has definitely made me reconsider all my "options"....stay single, date casually, live in sin, another marriage? This has brought me to an undoubtedly unhealthy fascination with Lesbians. It sounds like a perfect deal. I'm a girl, I understand girls, it seems logical....except one flaw, I like penis tooooo much!

In this midst of this peculiar situation, I became acutely aware of a woman in my office whom I can not determine the sexual orientation. She's in her mid 40's, never been married, no children. She never mentions past relationships, never wears make up, never fancies her hair and is somewhat masculine. She works in a stereotypical male profession and I think she might have a crush on me. But without the word "LESBIAN" written on her forehead, I can't be sure which team she bats for. Is it fair to label someone who may just be neutral without any kind of proof. And what proof would be required? Do I need to see her wearing a plaid flannel? Do I need to see her kissing another woman? Do I need to know that she lives with another woman?

This brings up another interesting point....The Short of It and I have always said if we were both single at the same time we would consider living together with all the kids. It sounds like an ideal situation.....my two moms. It could just be two moms and best friends living together and helping each other take care of our kids. But that doesn't make us lesbians, although I think some people would wonder....the whole "Kate and Allie" scenario. It seems like eliminating men from our lives, to a certain extent, would relieve some of the heartache....or would it? I know women can be catty and territorial so maybe it just opens a new can of worms! I can't imagine two women PMSing at the same time!!

Either way, I've crossed lesbianism off the list of "options." I'm just not built that way. I love the way a man smells and their undeniable strength. Men have the uncanny power to make you feel you are safe and everything is going to be ok. I will continue to try to find my Prince Charming. Although, I will also continue to be envious of lesbians not having to deal with the shit men throw out at us but I guess as The Short of It said....the grass is always greener on the other side!

**The Long of It**

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fat is too fun!

Weight Watchers... "Hate" Watchers!

A month and a half ago after eating my way through a summer of step-parenting and my 30th birthday, I stepped on a scale and realized that I had passed the weight I swore I would never get to by 10 whole lbs. I felt fat and miserable. Too sluggish to play in the yard with my kids, and not owning a pair of pants that fit (because I refused to buy anything new).

I promptly joined Weight Watchers. Even saying that, for some reason, makes me feel every one of my 30 years. Isn't Weight Watchers the diet of old ladies? Anyway, I could do it online and never have to sit in a meeting room with the "old ladies." (Geeze, who am I kidding... like I'm some spring chicken still?!)

I joined! And for 5 1/2 weeks I have been completely faithful to the plan. I diligently count my points and track everything... I was ten pounds past my "never" weight... there was no choice in the matter. And it has worked! It has worked wonderfully. I'm now right at my "never" weight and still going down. There is still a long road ahead of me to get to where I want to be.

But this brings me to the point that sometimes it is sooo much better to be fat! Today, I am missing a bowl of ice cream. I'm missing a fattening dinner of pizza. I'm missing mindless snacking. Being fat is fun!

I know, I know, skinny feels better than fat tastes. But sometimes I miss the culinary freedoms of fatness!

--The Short of It

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


My sweet husband can be a bit of a nerd. Yes, he works with computers, yes he is shy... despite these signs on the surface his nerdiness isn't always apparent. For example, most people are not aware that he collects watches. The more specialized the watch, the cooler he thinks it is. He has one that has a calculator (Urkle, watch out!), one that has a remote control on it (giving him hours of entertainment changing television channels in sports bars without anyone knowing the culprit) and he has one that is an "mp4" player and plays videos and music. Typically, he doesn't wear these watches in public and no one is usually aware of the secret collection.

Not enough to convince you? Well, I have more evidence. He will not spend more than $10 for a pair of shoes, $2 for a shirt and $5 for a pair of pants. Somehow, he manages to pull himself together to appear as decent dresser, probably aided by the fact that he is a very handsome man.

But, when I really realized that my husband was a nerd was prior to our marriage. We would send emails to each other throughout the day when we were at work. I was aware of the common chat acronyms which include lol, c-ya, etc. But in our emails he began throwing in some that I wasn't familiar with. "STBY" and "OTP" were his favorites. Needing an explanation on what they meant, I asked. He told me that they are acronyms he has invented for "Sucks to be you" and "on the phone." He went on to tell me that he is quite sure they will eventually catch on. I realized that this is a 30-something year-old's attempt at creating a new slang. An attempt to create something that others will give their approval to and begin using themselves. I've gotten used to his acronyms now, sometimes even forgetting that they are his own creations.

His idiosyncrasies are VERY endearing. I love that he is frugal, and that he has his cute little nerdy ways.

The other day I had a few minutes and found myself feeling curious about chat acronyms. I googled it. I discovered a whole, extensive list of them.

I felt disappointed that the cute acronyms that my husband is so sure he "invented" are also included on the list, cause someone else thought of them too... or maybe it is just proof that they did "catch on." Yeah, that's it! (at least that's what I'll tell him)

--The Short of It

Monday, September 8, 2008

Single Dads....

I understand that for 8 years my X was used to me taking care of everything. It's actually one of the reasons I left him. I was tired of always being responsible for everything. In the apparent fantasy world I live in, I thought if I left him he would be on his own when he had the kids. I was woefully wrong! I am still responsible for EVERYTHING!! I have to call to make sure he has them do their homework. And call him to make sure he puts money under their pillows when their teeth fall out. And call him to make sure he has them brush their teeth. It's ridiculous! Some of these things are so common sense, but he can't seem to remember.

Today, my Kindergartner came home with a progress report that said he didn't turn in his homework. I had specifically made sure it was in his backpack when I dropped him off on Friday and reminded him to turn it in. Apparently, when his dad picked him up on Friday and allllll weekend long, he did not check either of the boys' backpacks for papers or homework or anything. So today, we find out the little one never turned in his homework. And when I ask my X if the homework is still in his backpack, he checks and says, yes indeed, it is still there!! How hard is it to take 30 seconds to go through their backpacks on Friday afternoon to make sure there isn't anything important?

Oh well, gotta go, need to call the X to make sure he feeds the boys dinner!! UGH!!

**The Long of It**

Post-divorce syndrome

Why is it that there doesn't seem to be any information out there about the emotions we feel post divorce? Women's magazines are filled with information about applying eyeliner, keeping our man happy in bed and organizing our laundry room, but there is nothing to prepare us for what we will experience after a divorce.

My kids started soccer last week. This translates to at minimum one hour a week that their dad and I stand side-by-side on the soccer field watching them and making conversation. The first time we went through a soccer season we were right in the throws of this divorce, then we didn't do soccer for a season and now this year we have clearly both moved on to a new phase in our lives. Yet we stand there talking to each other and presenting a united front for our children.

This time spent together brings up some very strange emotions for me. Sometimes the conversations make me miss him. I miss the familiarity, I miss our friendship, I miss our shared history. I don't miss being married to him, but I still grieve the loss of the dream of our happily-ever after. I would never trade my current husband for my ex, but every now and then it makes me question if I really did the right thing by filing for divorce. I didn't have any choice! But it does make me look back and wonder if I could have done anything different. What roll did I play in the divorce and could I have saved the dream?

Logic knows the answer to my hearts questions, but I still think about them from time to time. I think this is normal. I wish these emotions were something that people talked about. I wish I could express them openly without fear of people questioning my love for my current husband. Divorce is so prevalent in our society, but all we talk about is the anger and the hurt. I think that there are many more complex emotions in play when we divorce someone that we share so much with.

--The Short of It

Friday, September 5, 2008


So, I think that The Long of It's Karma backfired on me. I was notified yesterday that after 4 years with my company, my job will be moved across country at the end of the year. They have given me four months notice to regroup and rearrange my life, which I'm grateful for. It is disappointing that I can feel so easily replaced after 4 years of dedicated service.

The only thing I've ever truly longed for in life is security. I'm not sure that security can truly be achieved working in the private sector. My initial gut reaction plan is that I'm going to work toward obtaining my teaching credential. It looks like The Long of It and I might be working on this at the same time. We were both raised by the stable income of teachers. We are both contemplating returning to what we know.

This is scary at 30 years old! It is scary to be starting over, to be working on something we should have done when we were 21.

--The Short of It

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I have a question....

I work in an industry that has been hit really hard by the slump in the economy and the layoffs are many and frequent, apparently there are 15 more layoffs coming in the next week. This is a very scary time for all of us. I recently decided to move back near my family and leave my current job, but this isn't supposed to happen for a month and a half. My job is partially based on performance and productivity, or so I've been told, and they will cut based on numbers. Purely based on those numbers, I am in the top third in my department so I'm not really in jeopardy to lose my job. But I know that I'm leaving. So, my moral dilemma is, do I keep my job even though I know I'm leaving soon and watch someone else who I care about lose their job? Is it ok to stay even though I know it might mean someone else is out of a job, someone who has a family and children? I know the importance is to always take care of ourselves first and I obviously have my own children to think about, but I can't help feeling that if I was let go and someone else quit a month later, I might be a little upset. Generally, I think I care more about other people then i should and more then they care about me, so I know I should keep my mouth shut and work as long as I can, but am I seriously damaging my Karma??

**The Long of It**

WT day at the pool....

"WT" is an acronym my friends and I affectionately use for "white trash." Somehow this term seems more politically correct to us. I know, it's not politically correct at all to judge people, but it's my only joy in life. Yesterday, I saw the worst case of WT and I just must share! The boys and I went to the pool in the evening so I could try to ware them out. From a distance, the pool seemed full, but this was an inaccurate observation. We went in and put our stuff on a chair and I took a seat while the boys proceeded to get into the pool and this was the scene: six adults playing volleyball with a large yellow ball with a smiley face on it. There were 3 men and 3 women. I'm not sure how they were all related, but I'm positive there was some kind of inbreeding going on. The oldest man was missing his front eight teeth....this did not deter him from smiling incessantly. The 2 other men had mean mullets with matching facial hair. One of the women was slender and not bad looking, until she smiled and was missing just one of her front teeth. Her mother must be so proud! The 2 other women were no less then 250 lbs....and wearing bikinis! Oh yes, bikinis....and string bikinis no less. In addition, each woman had no less then 4 visible tattoos. And then there were the children...i think there were about 6 of them, all under the age of about 6. One boy had a duck-tail...oh yeah, a full fledged duck tail! Who does that to a child in 2008?!?! One little girl, who was about 18 months old was wearing 1 floaty and playing in the spa....no one watching her! And then there was a very small baby in a car seat sleeping, and by sleeping I mean baking in the 103 degree heat! At one point, one of the large women in a bikini blurted out an obscenity and the other large woman in a bikini reminded her that there were "other people's kids" at the pool. What about your own juvenile delinquents?

My children were fascinated. Instead of the usual running around, jumping in the water, and swimming races, they were simply watching...sitting and watching. I had to keep reminding them not to stare, but it almost didn't seem fair cause I couldn't stop staring. It was like they couldn't believe what they were seeing. They knew something was amiss, but they couldn't put their finger on just what was off about these people. It was like that car crash thing where you don't want to watch but you can't help it. You have to understand, it's not like I think I'm so sophisticated. I know I have WT qualities and I embrace them, but I had never felt to high class in my whole life. To top it off, when they left, I watched them leave the pool area, get into several beat up cars and leave the complex. They don't even live here!! What is wrong with people?

**The Long of It**

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Grass is Greener...

My husband and I spent this last weekend with his sister. My sister-in-law is great! She is 31 years old, never married, no kids. She has a wonderful career as a lawyer. She is thin and social and cute. She lives in a wonderful city, but is still near family. She travels with her job and has enough money to travel for pleasure as well. She is debt free. Basically, she has her act together.

I look at her with a bit of envy. I wonder what would have happened if I had made similar choices. I believe that I was probably very much like her in high school, over-achievers, political and very independent. However, somewhere along the road I made the decision that what I really wanted was love, love of a husband and love of children. I put the ball in motion to achieve the things I was looking for. My SIL worked for her goals.

Looking at her life gives me a case of "the grass is greener on the other side"-itis. Sometimes, I long for her freedom, her ability to take care of her own needs without having to put other's first. She and I often have long conversations about life and love, though. Inevitably, these conversations lead to the realization that even though she seems to have the whole world at her fingertips, what she really longs for is someone to share it with. More than everything she has, I think she wants what I have. It makes me wonder if we can ever truly be happy being alone. I know, I know, some people say it but I think that quite possibly there is something innate in us to make us search for our soul mate. I think that is what will also cause us to endure another person's short comings, endure mistreatment and endure terrible stresses that can be caused by a relationship.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if more women could embrace themselves? When you feel happy and loved and fulfilled all on your own, that is when you attract the healthiest relationship.

--The Short of It