Monday, November 3, 2008


#1 I had to change my snip-it about me cause I turned 30 a couple weeks ago and I think it's false advertising to say I'm I'm depressed. I can't be 30, that means I'm old. 30 was that age when you were a kid that you looked at as being "an adult." This milestone, by the way, coincided with me moving back into my parents house...damn I'm a loser. So, I've changed the blog and now I have to accept that I'm 30.

#2 The Short of It has been hopelessly lost on our blog. I know she's busy and stuff but I think that last 5 posts are mine and I'm sure our 3 faithful readers are tired of hearing from me! On second thought, I have no job and nothing to do, can't be too hard on The Short of It, but someone PLEASE leave a comment begging her to tell the story of her mom's falling down boyfriend!!

#3 Again, I'm 30, and I've had several, how is it that one goes about finding a job, I'm totally lost? I thought this would be easy....I'm educated, I've had good, long term jobs with great references, I'm a responsible and presentable person! This sucks ass! I never thought I'd be so willing to go back to work after my month off, but I am! I'm bored and I need money!

#4 My oldest turned 9 on Saturday....damn I'm old! I think I'm gonna rename this post "I'm Old"!!

**The Long of It**

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Prostitute Fridays....

So, back at the ranch (and by ranch I mean funny farm) I needed a TB test to begin substitute teaching. #1 not really sure I wanna substitute but living at ma and pa's house and need money and #2 I have no insurance, I'm not working, so where does one go to get a TB test?? I'll tell you where....the FREE CLINIC! Oh the joys of the free clinic....which, by the way, I might add that it's not really free! False advertising!! Now, don't get me wrong, I'm really not a snob, I don't think only bad people go to free clinics, but it's just not where I would prefer to spend a Friday morning. So, I muster all the courage I have to walk in and say, "I need a TB test"....pause in my brain tells me to add something to this sentence so they don't think I think that I actually have TB...."I need it to substitute teach." This was a bad move because instead of making myself look better, I actually succeeded in making the girl roll her eyes like she didn't believe me. I mine as well have said "I'm here for my monthly antibiotics for my syphilis and gonorrhea."

At this point she asks me to fill out some paperwork and pay my "not so free" $20. There were definitely some confusing and complicated questions on the paperwork. One asked for my monthly income....this is a free clinic, why do I need monthly income....left it blank. Second, they asked my occupation or if I had insurance. THIS IS A FREE CLINIC PEOPLE!! Hurry up and test me for TB before I actually contract it sitting here!! I turn in the papers to the eye-rolling troll lady and she again asks me what my income is and I tell her "I have none, that's why I'm here!" This time her eyes went so far up in her head I didn't think they were gonna come back! She tells me to take a seat and they will call me.

To this point, I had not really been aware of the numerous people in the oh so clean waiting room, but as I sat down for my hour wait for a stupid little shot, I began to notice a theme. Clearly, Friday's are "Prostitute STD Check" days at the free clinic and I wish someone would have sent me that memo. There was a plethora of pleather miniskirts and leopard print tube tops, clear platform heels and blue eyeshadow. I'm not sure if they were gearing up for the weekend rush, but they had clearly all been shopping for new outfits together recently. Maybe Thursday is discount day at the 5 and Dime?! I felt a twinge of guilt as I sat on my sanctimonious high-horse and began to judge them, but that soon passed and again I was hearing the voice in my head laughing hysterically at the fact that they were all dressed up to come to the free clinic. I then became fearful for the seat I was sitting in hoping beyond hope that my jeans were thick enough to fight off any yuckiness! They one by one were called back by a nurse and they one by one came out with a mysterious brown paper bag....antibiotics? condoms? a combo pack? I'll never know....I soon got my shot, ran screaming from the place, drove home as fast as I could, and showered for 30 which point I realized I had to go back to that place in three days to have the test read, I'm sure I'm gonna get charged for that too!!

**The Long of It**

Monday, October 6, 2008

The name of the game....

Disappointment really seems to be the name of the game for me lately and it's a hard pill to swallow. As my job has declined and the money as dried up, I made the very hard decision to move back where I came from (again, if I told ya I'd have to kill ya). I was, out of the blue, presented with a job in the same town as The Short of It and really wanted that to work out....for more see "Mothers and Daughters." So, now I have myself all geared up to be on my own, and have my own place again, and take this adventure as a single parent. It had taken me a good amount of time to accept the change in direction and embrace what my life would have been. And then today, the lady I was supposed to meet with to finalize the job, tells me the job no longer's moving to New York!
How do I take another disappointment? It's literally been one thing after marriage fails, my good paying job goes to shit, gotta move home with mom and dad and leave my life and the people that I have grown to love, great job I could have had goes out the window....where does it end? I really try to listen when people say "whatever is supposed to happen will" and "enjoy the journey" but it's becoming comical just how much in life goes wrong! So here I am, looking for a job again, sleepin in my mom's guest room, getting scolded to clean the bathroom and all I can help but feel is that I'm moving backward.

**The Long of It**

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Burial @ Sea....

I know I've been a little M.I.A. Ok, we both have been a little M.I.A. Life can really get tough sometimes and it takes the little things to remind us that it aint so bad. My grandmother died in March and we delayed the burial because she wanted her ashes scattered into the ocean. Seeing as her birthday is October 2nd, we decided that it would be a perfect time to charter a boat, gather the entire fam (from Louisiana to Guatemala....I kid you not) and put Grandma to rest. We all congregated on California's central coast, including her 4 children and their 2 spouses, 4 grandchildren and their 2 spouses, and 9 great-grandchildren and boarded a boat to the open water. We brought Grandma in her beautiful urn....actually she was in a thick plastic bag in the urn and a lot of flowers to accompany the ashes. When we were safely 3 miles out (we don't want Grandma ending up in the drinking water) the boat stopped and people began to share stories and thoughts about our Grandma. It was nice and touching and the sun peaked out of the fog....very picturesque. When we were done it was time for my mom to scatter the ashes and we started to throw the flowers into the water and say our individual goodbyes. When she was sufficiently memorialized the boat started again and the captain drove the boat in a circle 3 times to draw the ashes and flowers together and mark the space where she would rest. I stood on the back of the boat with my mom and my dad, my brother and my boys and we all cried....and then halfway through the second turn around the burial site, a seagull landed in the middle of the flowers and ashes. It was hilarious. This oblivious little bird landed right on the middle of our beloved grandmother's ashes and looked at us like we were crazy. It made us all laugh as we circled this sacred spot watching the seagull watch us and as we pulled away from the spot, the bird flew out of the water and in the opposite direction. Life is funny that way person's holy ground is another creature's pit stop.

**The Long of It**

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Phone call

I got the strangest phone call from my ex. He wanted to know if he was a bad father (do you really want to ask me this question); He told me that he has been struggling with the choices he made and wondering if he has screwed our kids up with his selfishness (no, only because they have such an amazing mother and wonderful stepfather); He told me that we could have loved each other forever (ummm, I was never really in love with you). Yeah, I had some reactions to what he was saying, but there I was talking calmness into him. Instead of the things I really wanted to say to him, I reassured him that he is a good father, that we needed to get a divorce because we weren't happy and that in the best of times we were dysfunctional.

The whole conversation left me with a bit of an ego boost. I had the distinct impression that if I weren't remarried he would have asked me to give him another chance, there was an acknowledgement that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. After the ego deflation that our divorce was, it was nice to have the ego boost. More than anything, though, it was WEIRD! Is it really still my job to comfort him, to put him back together when he is upset? Yeah, I'm a coward, I could have told him some things straight up... but in reality I'm glad that he shit on our marriage. I'm grateful that he gave me an excuse to get out of the bad marriage. And, if I must be honest, I guess I'm glad that we still have a decent enough relationship that he feels comfortable enough to call me with his weird self-doubt issues.

--The Short of It

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Mother and Daughter....

I believe I have just entered the Twilight Zone. I have been planning on relocating back to where I came from (location withheld cause if I told ya I'd have to kill ya) which consisted of me, a 30 year old mother of 2 moving back in with her parents. Ok, not the ideal situation but a good stepping stone.....and by stepping stone I mean free babysitting and the occasional $20 from my dad. My mom has been UBER excited about this, in short because she lost her own mother in March and has been very lonely. Mostly, I think she wants her grandbabies back and it really has nothing to do with my existence. Anyway, I am in the process of being offered a very good job about an hour and a half from my parents and in the same town as The Short of It (very exciting to say the least). Doesn't sound like a problem you say.....very true, but my mother is not having it!

I knew she wouldn't be happy, but I assumed that she would be happy for me to be able to get a good job, support myself and my boys, and not live at their house until I'm 60 and only have 12 cats to keep me company. Apparently not.....she wasted no time in contacting everyone she knew in the small town they live in to find me a comparable job. She has no clue she will never be able to find something for the $ these other fools are offering me! Yet, I continue to let her spin her wheels. Basically, this just keeps her off the phone with me and spares me the constant attitude and shameless guilt trip.

I understand she's lonely and wants us to be there to fulfill her every Nana dream, but what about me? I've definitely been lost in this whole the way, I lived with them for 4 months about 2 years ago and I can still see the scars on my wrists, it was torture! So, I have a choice to make....either I lose my mind or my mom will....what to do?? If I lose my mind, bad things like excessive drinking and sex with strangers. If my mom loses her mind, she will bake too many cookies, sew buttons on anything that will stand still, and insist on babysitting every weekend. Not a hard choice for me, but oh the guilt is unbearable!

**The Long of It**

The crockpot theory

I've heard women compared to crockpots. When it comes to sex, we are like a crockpot, there needs to be a low heat all day long to get us cookin' at night in the bedroom. We aren't just light switches that can be turned on at will, we take some simmering.

Lately, my husband has been shameful at the simmering part. He's been sitting on the couch, doing nothing a lot lately. My house is a mess with things that he hasn't picked up. He hasn't been overly affectionate throughout the day. I bought a new microwave, but wasn't quite strong enough to move the old one, I needed his help. Waiting for him to "get around to it," the new one sat in the living room for a week before he moved the old one, now the old one is sitting on my kitchen table for another week! We got a new bed for the girls, Sunday we took down their old bunkbed. My husband moved it to the livingroom where it is still sitting and I have tripped over it daily for the last 4 days.

My husband hasn't done anything wrong, he just hasn't done anything right this week!

Where does that leave me at night, in the bedroom? It leaves me feeling cold. Last night, I could tell he clearly wanted some action, it had been a while. He was doing the bedroom foreplay things to make it happen, but he hadn't done the all day foreplay things. What do you do with that? I laid there trying to figure out if I should ignore him and roll over and go to sleep. Should I lay there and just let him do his thing? Should I participate and hope that I would start to get in the mood? The quandary going on in my head sure wasn't doing anything to help turn me on. I've never had this issue with my husband, normally he is generous, attentive and anything but lazy around the house. But I had the problem last night! I didn't want to get into the whole discussion right there in bed about what was going on. I'll admit it... in the end, I participated only enough so that he didn't catch on. Mainly, I let him do his thing. He wasn't getting all of the bells and whistles in the bedroom, I wasn't happy with him.

One night of pity sex is my limit, though. He damn well better get that crockpot plugged in!

--The Short of It