Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Prostitute Fridays....

So, back at the ranch (and by ranch I mean funny farm) I needed a TB test to begin substitute teaching. #1 not really sure I wanna substitute but living at ma and pa's house and need money and #2 I have no insurance, I'm not working, so where does one go to get a TB test?? I'll tell you where....the FREE CLINIC! Oh the joys of the free clinic....which, by the way, I might add that it's not really free! False advertising!! Now, don't get me wrong, I'm really not a snob, I don't think only bad people go to free clinics, but it's just not where I would prefer to spend a Friday morning. So, I muster all the courage I have to walk in and say, "I need a TB test"....pause in my brain tells me to add something to this sentence so they don't think I think that I actually have TB...."I need it to substitute teach." This was a bad move because instead of making myself look better, I actually succeeded in making the girl roll her eyes like she didn't believe me. I mine as well have said "I'm here for my monthly antibiotics for my syphilis and gonorrhea."

At this point she asks me to fill out some paperwork and pay my "not so free" $20. There were definitely some confusing and complicated questions on the paperwork. One asked for my monthly income....this is a free clinic, why do I need monthly income....left it blank. Second, they asked my occupation or if I had insurance. THIS IS A FREE CLINIC PEOPLE!! Hurry up and test me for TB before I actually contract it sitting here!! I turn in the papers to the eye-rolling troll lady and she again asks me what my income is and I tell her "I have none, that's why I'm here!" This time her eyes went so far up in her head I didn't think they were gonna come back! She tells me to take a seat and they will call me.

To this point, I had not really been aware of the numerous people in the oh so clean waiting room, but as I sat down for my hour wait for a stupid little shot, I began to notice a theme. Clearly, Friday's are "Prostitute STD Check" days at the free clinic and I wish someone would have sent me that memo. There was a plethora of pleather miniskirts and leopard print tube tops, clear platform heels and blue eyeshadow. I'm not sure if they were gearing up for the weekend rush, but they had clearly all been shopping for new outfits together recently. Maybe Thursday is discount day at the 5 and Dime?! I felt a twinge of guilt as I sat on my sanctimonious high-horse and began to judge them, but that soon passed and again I was hearing the voice in my head laughing hysterically at the fact that they were all dressed up to come to the free clinic. I then became fearful for the seat I was sitting in hoping beyond hope that my jeans were thick enough to fight off any yuckiness! They one by one were called back by a nurse and they one by one came out with a mysterious brown paper bag....antibiotics? condoms? a combo pack? I'll never know....I soon got my shot, ran screaming from the place, drove home as fast as I could, and showered for 30 which point I realized I had to go back to that place in three days to have the test read, I'm sure I'm gonna get charged for that too!!

**The Long of It**

1 comment:

Susan said...

That's why I was wondering where you were??? This post STILL has me laughing!!! And by the way, when I could come home from college, my Nurse Practitioner worked at a local Planned Parenthood part-time so I would go there once in a while for ease of getting an appointment with her...Oh.My.God. I thought I would get pregnant just SITTING in the waiting room. Gross. Good luck with the TB read.