Why is it that there doesn't seem to be any information out there about the emotions we feel post divorce? Women's magazines are filled with information about applying eyeliner, keeping our man happy in bed and organizing our laundry room, but there is nothing to prepare us for what we will experience after a divorce.
My kids started soccer last week. This translates to at minimum one hour a week that their dad and I stand side-by-side on the soccer field watching them and making conversation. The first time we went through a soccer season we were right in the throws of this divorce, then we didn't do soccer for a season and now this year we have clearly both moved on to a new phase in our lives. Yet we stand there talking to each other and presenting a united front for our children.
This time spent together brings up some very strange emotions for me. Sometimes the conversations make me miss him. I miss the familiarity, I miss our friendship, I miss our shared history. I don't miss being married to him, but I still grieve the loss of the dream of our happily-ever after. I would never trade my current husband for my ex, but every now and then it makes me question if I really did the right thing by filing for divorce. I didn't have any choice! But it does make me look back and wonder if I could have done anything different. What roll did I play in the divorce and could I have saved the dream?
Logic knows the answer to my hearts questions, but I still think about them from time to time. I think this is normal. I wish these emotions were something that people talked about. I wish I could express them openly without fear of people questioning my love for my current husband. Divorce is so prevalent in our society, but all we talk about is the anger and the hurt. I think that there are many more complex emotions in play when we divorce someone that we share so much with.
--The Short of It