We recently received a comment on our blog asking if we started this blog "just to whine in public." Being the reasonable, thoughtful people we are, The Short of it and I took a step back to contemplate this comment. First of all, if you read our profile, you can see that this is the exact reason why we started this blog. We needed an outlet to vent our feelings and frustrations, beyond our daily phone calls to each other. We wanted a place to talk about the things that happen in our lives. Writing can be very cathartic and therapeutic and allows us to release some steam. Most of the things we blog about aren't things we can vent to our husbands, children, co-workers, or even our friends. We're not allowed to whine to our children how bad it sucks to be a step parent or how disheartening it is to be in the dating world. We can't point out to our friends and family members the things that drive us crazy about them. It's not polite and it's not good manners. Instead, we write about them in this anonymous blog!:)
Secondly, we have found a lot of solace in reading other's blogs. We can see that we are not alone in our struggles and we actually take stock in other people's experiences and advice. We, in turn, hope that maybe people who read our blog will know they are not alone. We struggle with the same things every human being does and there is some kind of hope in knowing that sometimes, our lives aren't so bad. In addition, being anonymous allows us to talk about things that may be taboo in a nice, family blog....the things people won't talk about around the dinner table. This is the place where we can call a spade a spade and we believe that most people appreciate the honesty.
So, yes we may whine and we admit it. But we're allowed to because this is the only place on the entire planet where it is acceptable. We will not apologize for the things we blog about and if this offends your delicate sensibilities then I am sure there is another fluffy, life is great blog out there for you to read.
**The Long of it**
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Refined Tastes
My husband and I got married in Vegas. It was very, very small and very perfect. Actually, nothing about the day went perfectly smooth, but that didn't bother us. My youngest cried throughout our ceremony, not a tearful emotional cry, but a two year old tantrum cry. My step-daughter was tired and mad at the world (in her six year old way). But none of these things bothered us in the least. We look back on it as perfect. After the ceremony our immediate family and some of my closest friends were asked to join us for a no-host dinner at a Vegas buffet.
When I mentioned the plans to my mom she became worried about her boyfriend L. She feared that this man who is used to fine dining and no less than four star hotels might be repulsed by the dining fare at a Vegas buffet. I told her I was sorry if this was going to cause a problem, but this would be most comfortable choice for the majority of guests in attendance. She said that they would figure it out. The day of the wedding arrived and another word about L's discomfort was never mentioned.
We went to the buffet and L looked a little confused. My mom rushed around trying to make him comfortable and searching the buffet (while the rest of us were eating like happy plump little pigs) for anything that might suit L.
Finally, L was able to find choices that were pleasing to his upper-class taste buds. At the end of the long table sat L, with a plate of sauerkraut, refried beans, beets and tomato slices. He enjoyed all of this with a glass of red wine. Yes, L definitely has refined tastes...
--The Short of It
When I mentioned the plans to my mom she became worried about her boyfriend L. She feared that this man who is used to fine dining and no less than four star hotels might be repulsed by the dining fare at a Vegas buffet. I told her I was sorry if this was going to cause a problem, but this would be most comfortable choice for the majority of guests in attendance. She said that they would figure it out. The day of the wedding arrived and another word about L's discomfort was never mentioned.
We went to the buffet and L looked a little confused. My mom rushed around trying to make him comfortable and searching the buffet (while the rest of us were eating like happy plump little pigs) for anything that might suit L.
Finally, L was able to find choices that were pleasing to his upper-class taste buds. At the end of the long table sat L, with a plate of sauerkraut, refried beans, beets and tomato slices. He enjoyed all of this with a glass of red wine. Yes, L definitely has refined tastes...
--The Short of It
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The second time around
Sometimes I wonder if this second time around relationship thing is even worth it. My husband and I married shortly after the ends of our first marriage. We both have fairly young children. We love each other very much... but is love enough.
Is love enough to overcome the trials of step-parenting, demands made by ex spouses and the division of loyalty? This whole thing has me tired! I thought it was tough trying to juggle a spouse and demanding parents in my first marriage, but now the second time around there are so many more forces working on us. There are so many different parties with their hands in our affairs.
My husbands ex-wife wants more child support. She wants more child support because she has decided that she wants to be a stay at home mom, therefore my husband needs to pay more. She is able bodied, young, capable of working. Even relocated the kids to another state under the guise of getting a better job. Then two years later, changed her mind and has decided she doesn't want to work anymore. So, now with her non-existent income and less visitation for my husband because of the increased distance, it looks like the courts will award her more child support.
In a discussion about this today, my husband informed me that this will cause us a financial strain because I insisted on buying a house a year and a half ago. And that is just the down side to owning. Excuse me! Somehow our financial strain is going to be my fault. Let me give just a little more background info... I work full time, I bring home more than half of our family's income. With my income alone I could comfortably afford 1/2 of our mortgage, my car payment and all of the expenses for my own children. We also bought a house a year and a half ago because our neighbor in our rental was an ex-con that was dangerous and any other rentals that we looked at would cost as much as buying. Yet somehow, even with those factors at play our financial hardships will be MY FAULT?!?!
Now mind you, I do not in any way blame my husband for this. I blame a greedy ex. His comments came to the surface when I made a comment about it not being fair that I will have to work more overtime when child support goes up so that we can afford the difference. It would do no good for him to earn any more money, because the more he earns, the more she will want to take.
It seems that no matter what, I am the bad guy here. I didn't take his kids away. I'm not demanding half his income. Yet somehow I'm to blame here.
My husband made many choices long before I came in to the picture. Decisions that put balls in motion to create our current situation. I came along late in the game and just said, "Hey, I love you and I'd like us to have a nice life together!" And now I realize that saying that makes me demanding in his eyes and has caused all of our future problems.
Am I just destined to be the evil step-mother and a pushy and demanding wife?
Other step-mothers/second wives out there... are these problems normal? How do you overcome issues like this? How do I stand up for myself and say that I will not allow myself to be the whipping post everytime something goes wrong?
--The Short of It
Is love enough to overcome the trials of step-parenting, demands made by ex spouses and the division of loyalty? This whole thing has me tired! I thought it was tough trying to juggle a spouse and demanding parents in my first marriage, but now the second time around there are so many more forces working on us. There are so many different parties with their hands in our affairs.
My husbands ex-wife wants more child support. She wants more child support because she has decided that she wants to be a stay at home mom, therefore my husband needs to pay more. She is able bodied, young, capable of working. Even relocated the kids to another state under the guise of getting a better job. Then two years later, changed her mind and has decided she doesn't want to work anymore. So, now with her non-existent income and less visitation for my husband because of the increased distance, it looks like the courts will award her more child support.
In a discussion about this today, my husband informed me that this will cause us a financial strain because I insisted on buying a house a year and a half ago. And that is just the down side to owning. Excuse me! Somehow our financial strain is going to be my fault. Let me give just a little more background info... I work full time, I bring home more than half of our family's income. With my income alone I could comfortably afford 1/2 of our mortgage, my car payment and all of the expenses for my own children. We also bought a house a year and a half ago because our neighbor in our rental was an ex-con that was dangerous and any other rentals that we looked at would cost as much as buying. Yet somehow, even with those factors at play our financial hardships will be MY FAULT?!?!
Now mind you, I do not in any way blame my husband for this. I blame a greedy ex. His comments came to the surface when I made a comment about it not being fair that I will have to work more overtime when child support goes up so that we can afford the difference. It would do no good for him to earn any more money, because the more he earns, the more she will want to take.
It seems that no matter what, I am the bad guy here. I didn't take his kids away. I'm not demanding half his income. Yet somehow I'm to blame here.
My husband made many choices long before I came in to the picture. Decisions that put balls in motion to create our current situation. I came along late in the game and just said, "Hey, I love you and I'd like us to have a nice life together!" And now I realize that saying that makes me demanding in his eyes and has caused all of our future problems.
Am I just destined to be the evil step-mother and a pushy and demanding wife?
Other step-mothers/second wives out there... are these problems normal? How do you overcome issues like this? How do I stand up for myself and say that I will not allow myself to be the whipping post everytime something goes wrong?
--The Short of It
Monday, August 18, 2008
Working mom....
I don't normally get bent out of shape about what other people say in this crazy blogging world. I understand that everyone has their own opinion and they have a right to express themselves. But today, I read a blog about being a "working mom" that I just can't keep quiet about! The blog was from a mom of a six month old baby, who works at a church. Apparently, she's allowed to take her child to work with her occasionally and when she does not, the child stays with family members. She loves her job but misses nursing her baby and making dinner for her husband. I'm sorry, I understand we women gotta stick together and all, but I call BULL SHIT!!
I am a single, working mom. I work 40+ hours a week, at a job I don't particularly like so that I can keep a roof over our head and food on the table. My children go to public school and after school day care with people who's first names I can scarcely remember. I am single, with no social life to speak of. And I flat out don't eat half the time! I have no family here and most of my friends are flakes. I'm constantly exhausted, defeated, and depressed because I feel like a bad parent and a general failure at life and I'm going to be alone forever! I spend everyday just doing the best I can.
I just feel like you can't call yourself a "working mom" if what you are is a glorified volunteer, who brings your child to work, who has a husband and a support system, who whines about not being able to make homemade pizza! I understand it's hard to leave your child with anyone, but before you complain about your situation, you should consider that other people have a hard, if not harder time and would kill to have what you have. I am not exempt from this. I look at women who work 2 jobs they absolutely hate, who's children's fathers are not even around, who's family is not supportive at all and I know that I have it easier then them. And that is why I never would have even considered posting this blog if it hadn't been for the woman who complained about not being able to make her husband lunch or have a garden!
Come on women! Let's consider that there is a world outside of your cushy suburban lives and maybe you don't have it so bad. Maybe there are women who struggle longer and harder then you and we should not make them feel like less of a person, less of a mother, and less of a successful human being then you!
**The Long of it**
I am a single, working mom. I work 40+ hours a week, at a job I don't particularly like so that I can keep a roof over our head and food on the table. My children go to public school and after school day care with people who's first names I can scarcely remember. I am single, with no social life to speak of. And I flat out don't eat half the time! I have no family here and most of my friends are flakes. I'm constantly exhausted, defeated, and depressed because I feel like a bad parent and a general failure at life and I'm going to be alone forever! I spend everyday just doing the best I can.
I just feel like you can't call yourself a "working mom" if what you are is a glorified volunteer, who brings your child to work, who has a husband and a support system, who whines about not being able to make homemade pizza! I understand it's hard to leave your child with anyone, but before you complain about your situation, you should consider that other people have a hard, if not harder time and would kill to have what you have. I am not exempt from this. I look at women who work 2 jobs they absolutely hate, who's children's fathers are not even around, who's family is not supportive at all and I know that I have it easier then them. And that is why I never would have even considered posting this blog if it hadn't been for the woman who complained about not being able to make her husband lunch or have a garden!
Come on women! Let's consider that there is a world outside of your cushy suburban lives and maybe you don't have it so bad. Maybe there are women who struggle longer and harder then you and we should not make them feel like less of a person, less of a mother, and less of a successful human being then you!
**The Long of it**
Friday, August 15, 2008
Missing the Good Times
I read a post on Jezebel yesterday. She referenced a very interesting article on msnbc titled, When the train never leaves the station. This kind of got me thinking about the importance of sex in a relationship/marriage. How often is often enough, how often is too often and what are good "excuses" for not having sex.
When I was in college I heard it said that if you put an M&M in a jar every time you have sex the first year of your marriage/relationship and then take an M&M out ever time you do the deed for the subsequent years, you will never empty your jar. This translates to, enjoy it the first year, because it's goin' away baby! If that is the case, it makes sense that the divorce rate is so high, maybe we are all desiring a chance to start a relationship and enjoy the part where you are filling the jar.
How can a marriage survive without sex? I have heard about people who don't have sex on their wedding night, which seems strange enough, but people who go years... I just can't comprehend that. Is it just me or is it a necessary part of feeling loved, desired and connected? Honestly, I kind of enjoy the little bit of control that sex gives me in a relationship. I don't really know if I would want to be in a relationship if it weren't for sex. Yeah, yeah, companionship is great and all that, but if that is all I wanted I'd just have a roommate. Or even better, if I was only looking for companionship, I'd just live with The Long of It. But no, I enjoy good sex, good sex with a man that is. And obviously, I'm not in to the random partner thing. In fact T was the only man I've ever slept with that I wasn't married to.
When thinking about this concept of sexless marriages that is so foreign to me, I questioned two things. First, how can they survive and second, what causes this. Is it possible that there are people who just don't need sex? I can understand having some hang ups about feeling comfortable. But I have to wonder if you have these hang ups in the relationship then are you maybe in the wrong relationship? I believe a good amount of sex is 2 to 3 times per week. I think that is realistic. I think everyone has different needs, but I want to feel close to my husband a few times a week. And really, I want the fun. These people in marriages without sex are honestly missing out on the fun stuff. Perhaps some of it comes from a profound laziness. I know that when I go periods without sex with my husband it is really just because I'm feeling tired and lazy, then when we get back at it I regret the lazy period.
From someone who thinks that sex is so much fun, my advice if you aren't getting any... go get some help... go get laid!
-The Short of It
When I was in college I heard it said that if you put an M&M in a jar every time you have sex the first year of your marriage/relationship and then take an M&M out ever time you do the deed for the subsequent years, you will never empty your jar. This translates to, enjoy it the first year, because it's goin' away baby! If that is the case, it makes sense that the divorce rate is so high, maybe we are all desiring a chance to start a relationship and enjoy the part where you are filling the jar.
How can a marriage survive without sex? I have heard about people who don't have sex on their wedding night, which seems strange enough, but people who go years... I just can't comprehend that. Is it just me or is it a necessary part of feeling loved, desired and connected? Honestly, I kind of enjoy the little bit of control that sex gives me in a relationship. I don't really know if I would want to be in a relationship if it weren't for sex. Yeah, yeah, companionship is great and all that, but if that is all I wanted I'd just have a roommate. Or even better, if I was only looking for companionship, I'd just live with The Long of It. But no, I enjoy good sex, good sex with a man that is. And obviously, I'm not in to the random partner thing. In fact T was the only man I've ever slept with that I wasn't married to.
When thinking about this concept of sexless marriages that is so foreign to me, I questioned two things. First, how can they survive and second, what causes this. Is it possible that there are people who just don't need sex? I can understand having some hang ups about feeling comfortable. But I have to wonder if you have these hang ups in the relationship then are you maybe in the wrong relationship? I believe a good amount of sex is 2 to 3 times per week. I think that is realistic. I think everyone has different needs, but I want to feel close to my husband a few times a week. And really, I want the fun. These people in marriages without sex are honestly missing out on the fun stuff. Perhaps some of it comes from a profound laziness. I know that when I go periods without sex with my husband it is really just because I'm feeling tired and lazy, then when we get back at it I regret the lazy period.
From someone who thinks that sex is so much fun, my advice if you aren't getting any... go get some help... go get laid!
-The Short of It
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Lies in Marriage
How much honesty is REALLY necessary in a marriage? I have been married for a couple of years now and I still think about the fact that I wasn't completely honest with my husband during our courtship. Actually, there was just one lie that I told him that I haven't completely fessed up to, or fessed up to at all.
Let me explain:
When my first marriage ended, I was a little devastated. My first husband had been extremely unfaithful and my confidence was very shaken. Almost immediately, there were a couple of men that I worked with that began flirting with me. It felt great. The first guy (who was very good looking) really only amounted to a couple of make-out sessions and nothing more. The second guy (who was definitely no Fabio) was someone that I worked very closely with. As a matter of fact he was a member of my department. T had just recently been divorced. He was 31, and slightly balding with a tummy pooch, but he was a really good, kind person. We started talking. He invited me over for drinks and I got drunk on Tequila, much to his amusement. That night he cleaned up my puke and put me to bed in his bed while he slept on the floor. Definitely a gentlemen. One thing led to another, probably mostly my initiative and we started sleeping together. I believe he fell in love with me, but for me it was just a self-esteem boost. T started getting a little too attached and before I knew it I was feeling smothered. I ended the relationship.
A short time after my relationship with T, two things happened. First, I met my husband and almost instantly knew that the relationship with him was EXACTLY what I was looking for. Second, T was promoted at work and became my boss. I didn't tell T about my new love for quite a while, didn't even tell him we were getting married until the Friday before the wedding. When I did finally tell him, he was very supportive and expressed a strong desire for my happiness.
But the real issue comes with my husband. He is not a jealous man by any means. He knew early on that I had a casual relationship with T, and was only mildly bothered by it. Of course, I did lie though. When we were first dating my husband asked me if I had slept with T. I Lied! I told him I hadn't. He asked me if that was a lie and I lied again. He took me at my word and the matter dropped there. I went on to work under the management of T for two years and there was never an issue, no one was uncomfortable.
Over two years later, I still think about that one lie I told during our courtship. I wonder if this is a terrible flaw that I have created in our relationship. Obviously, no good would come of fessing up now. I know that my husband had partners that we haven't discussed, there is no need to. But I don't believe he has flat out lied about any of them. T did happen well before I knew my husband, does he need to know my entire past before him? Does this one lie mean that our relationship is built on an unstable foundation?
-The Short of It
Let me explain:
When my first marriage ended, I was a little devastated. My first husband had been extremely unfaithful and my confidence was very shaken. Almost immediately, there were a couple of men that I worked with that began flirting with me. It felt great. The first guy (who was very good looking) really only amounted to a couple of make-out sessions and nothing more. The second guy (who was definitely no Fabio) was someone that I worked very closely with. As a matter of fact he was a member of my department. T had just recently been divorced. He was 31, and slightly balding with a tummy pooch, but he was a really good, kind person. We started talking. He invited me over for drinks and I got drunk on Tequila, much to his amusement. That night he cleaned up my puke and put me to bed in his bed while he slept on the floor. Definitely a gentlemen. One thing led to another, probably mostly my initiative and we started sleeping together. I believe he fell in love with me, but for me it was just a self-esteem boost. T started getting a little too attached and before I knew it I was feeling smothered. I ended the relationship.
A short time after my relationship with T, two things happened. First, I met my husband and almost instantly knew that the relationship with him was EXACTLY what I was looking for. Second, T was promoted at work and became my boss. I didn't tell T about my new love for quite a while, didn't even tell him we were getting married until the Friday before the wedding. When I did finally tell him, he was very supportive and expressed a strong desire for my happiness.
But the real issue comes with my husband. He is not a jealous man by any means. He knew early on that I had a casual relationship with T, and was only mildly bothered by it. Of course, I did lie though. When we were first dating my husband asked me if I had slept with T. I Lied! I told him I hadn't. He asked me if that was a lie and I lied again. He took me at my word and the matter dropped there. I went on to work under the management of T for two years and there was never an issue, no one was uncomfortable.
Over two years later, I still think about that one lie I told during our courtship. I wonder if this is a terrible flaw that I have created in our relationship. Obviously, no good would come of fessing up now. I know that my husband had partners that we haven't discussed, there is no need to. But I don't believe he has flat out lied about any of them. T did happen well before I knew my husband, does he need to know my entire past before him? Does this one lie mean that our relationship is built on an unstable foundation?
-The Short of It
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Single White Female
I really thought that at 30 years old I would know a lot about a lot of things. Unfortunately, one of those things is not dating! I was married young and am now divorced with 2 kids and contemplating entering the dating world again. Mind you, I've been separated for almost 2 years so it's not as if I just left my husband yesterday. And still, dating terrifies me! I dated before I married, if you can call a string of one night stands dating, and I thought I learned a lot about what to do and what not to do and what to look out for. Apparently, I was dead wrong!
Ten years later, the world of the single woman has completely changed. It used to be that you went to a bar, a random bookstore, a coffee shop ran into an interesting man and BOOM!! dating began. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I've been to bars, book stores, and coffee shops....there are no men there! At least not any single, half way attractive, semi-employed, possibly interesting men. There are couples at these places. Kissing, hugging, snuggling couples....blissfully happy and off the market! I've been fixed up one time....total disaster! So, where does a single woman go to meet a man....
This past weekend I was at my cousins wedding. I'm thinking, I've heard the old wives tails about people meeting at weddings....not so much! Everyone was with someone and by the way, I had a date, I actually had 2 dates.....yeah, they were both shorter then 5 feet and they call me "mom." It seems as if everything is geared toward couples! I swear I was the only singleton there....it was depressing!
This realization brought me to a very interesting conversation with my other cousin's new bride (insert gaging motion!). They met on one of those dating websites. This got me thinking....am I gonna have to resort to internet dating just to meet a halfway normal guy? I'm not sure I'm up to that! How does some computer equation quantify a connection? How do I look at a picture and a profile and decide this is someone I wanna spend time with?
Online dating....Yes? No? Thoughts...
**The Long of it**
Ten years later, the world of the single woman has completely changed. It used to be that you went to a bar, a random bookstore, a coffee shop ran into an interesting man and BOOM!! dating began. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I've been to bars, book stores, and coffee shops....there are no men there! At least not any single, half way attractive, semi-employed, possibly interesting men. There are couples at these places. Kissing, hugging, snuggling couples....blissfully happy and off the market! I've been fixed up one time....total disaster! So, where does a single woman go to meet a man....
This past weekend I was at my cousins wedding. I'm thinking, I've heard the old wives tails about people meeting at weddings....not so much! Everyone was with someone and by the way, I had a date, I actually had 2 dates.....yeah, they were both shorter then 5 feet and they call me "mom." It seems as if everything is geared toward couples! I swear I was the only singleton there....it was depressing!
This realization brought me to a very interesting conversation with my other cousin's new bride (insert gaging motion!). They met on one of those dating websites. This got me thinking....am I gonna have to resort to internet dating just to meet a halfway normal guy? I'm not sure I'm up to that! How does some computer equation quantify a connection? How do I look at a picture and a profile and decide this is someone I wanna spend time with?
Online dating....Yes? No? Thoughts...
**The Long of it**
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