Corporate America Sucks

I work for a very, very large corporation. I swear they own a piece of everything and you see their name and commercials everywhere. Anyway, when I first started working here there were a few perks. There was the free gym membership, the free feminine hygiene products in the bathroom and the free coffee, tea, mocha, hot chocolate machine in the breakroom. Yeah, these aren't huge, but they were something. They were more than I had at other places that I worked.

Slowly, over the last four years, perks have disappeared. The gym membership was replaced by a graded "track" out in the middle of the fields. The drink machine was replaced by just a coffee pot in the kitchen and even the feminine hygiene products are now the cheap 1950's style ones. Basically, all of the good stuff is gone in 4 short years time. My little corner of corporate America stinks!

Then the other day someone sent me pictures of the work environment at Google. And now I'm completely preoccupied with jealousy!

- The Short of It

Dear "The Short of it,"

I know that things are super sucky right now and just when you think things are looking up the bottom drops out again and you're back to square one. And you know me, I'm not normally "the glass is half full" type of person, but you've been through so much worse. From the depths of complete despair, alone and estranged from the people who loved you....you were able to fight your way back and regain your strength and power. You single handedly picked yourself up and put yourself back together. You learned that you were so much better then the way people treat you and that you have so much to offer that you wouldn't let evil people hold you down any longer. To forgive and to be forgiven when you were wronged.

I have always envied your strength. Your ability to be completely crushed and to get back up again and be determined to love again. And also forgiving yourself when you didn't feel like you were doing enough and being able to let the guilt melt away and see yourself for who you truly are. And all the time, doing it with so much dignity and always holding your head high. I think of you when I can't get out of bed in the morning and I think I just don't want to go on anymore because you are an inspiration to me. To move on, to love again, to strive for the family I've always wanted, to expect more and never settle for less.

I love you. I wish we had been born sisters, except then I don't think I would appreciate you the way I do. And I wouldn't change anything we have been through together cause it's made us smarter, stronger, grounded, and closer. It's bound to get harder, but nothing can be as bad as that one time we got caught at Marie Calendars!:)

Love Always,
**The Long of it**

Hmmm, Hmmm

My dad is 13 years older than my mom. They always said that it worked for them. That is until 3 years ago when they divorced, after almost 30 years of marriage. My mom cited irreconcilable differences. She told me they were just too different and that she didn't want to spend her retirement only being a nurse to an old man. Granted, nursing wasn't her main "excuse," but it was up there on her list. After the divorce she started dating. She dated a couple of men close to her own age and a couple of older men. You probably could have seen the shock on my face when one day she told me that she had fallen in love again. L was apparently everything she had ever looked for in a man, the yin to her yang, if you will. He is wealthy and educated. Supposedly, everything that my dad is not.

I don't think I was prepared for what I would meet the day I met L. He is 5 years older than my dad and deaf. He gets very confused. I have nothing against the man, but when my mom asked if I liked him it was nearly impossible to answer. How can I know if I like a man that is so hard of hearing I can barely carry on a conversation with him? He wears hearing aids, but I think they must not help. He also has one very annoying habit. About every two minutes he makes an audible "hmmm" noise. Just repeating the noise quietly to himself. Someone please SMACK me if I do that when I get old! I know I will smack my husband if he does it! Honestly, doesn't my mom hear this? Doesn't it drive her crazy? Is she blinded to these things because he is wealthy? Doesn't she see that she traded her "old" set of problems for an even "older" set?

I hate to believe it, but I think that maybe the money and the lifestyle he can provide makes this not so annoying to her. Or maybe after living with him for a year now, she no longer hears it. Maybe it is like people who live by train tracks, and eventually cease to hear the passing trains. Oh God, this man is a train wreck!

This is just an introduction to L, believe me, I have many more stories to share about this interesting man.

-The Short of it

You might be an alcoholic if....

*You finish someone else's drink at 8am that has been sitting for 12 hours just because it's the only alcohol you can get your hands on

*You get up in the middle of the night to have a beer, just to calm your nerves

*You have to stop on the way home from work to buy a 6 pack because you have had a bad day

*You polish off a bottle of wine all alone, in one evening

*You are a hasher and you take your 6 month old baby along with you

*You go to the doctor for a completely unrelated issue and they tell you that you have stage 2 liver damage

*You are told by the same doctor that you need to quit drinking to be able to take the amount of meds that are necessary to make you normal

*You add any type of alcohol to a beverage that should NOT contain alcohol.....coffee, sunny delight, kool aid, red bull

*You sometimes carry alcohol in a water bottle

*You only exercise the next day so that you can sweat the alcohol out

We'll be adding to this list as more ridiculous situations arise.....

To Whom it May Concern....

Dear Checker at the grocery store by my house,

I was gonna start with an apology, but I don't think you deserve one. Yes, I was talking on my cell phone while in the check out lane and I'm not sorry about it. I have a very busy life and many things must me multi tasked!! I understand this is irritating for you, but we really don't need to have any interaction. It's not as if you have ever been overwhelmingly concerned about customer service before. I know this cause I see you often. You may not remember me, but I remember you....and not fondly.

I don't need your help while putting my groceries on the counter. And you don't need my help to scan said items. I have waited for the total and swiped my card. I have put in my pin number and said I don't want cash back. You have given me my receipt and I have said "Thank You". Enough said. So next time don't roll your eyes at the bagger boy and don't tap your fingers on the counter cause I'm not wasting your time. Just check my groceries, put them in a bag, and I'd like it with a smile....even if I am on the phone ignoring you.

So, have a good day you unhappy checker and the next time you're caught "multitasking", I hope you'll remember me.....and I hope you know, every single solitary time I am in that store, and I see you checking, I will intentionally get on my phone and get in your line!

Yours Truly,
**The Long of it**

Friends with benefits??

Being thrust back into the dating world after 7 years of marriage is like being a piece of bread dropped in a duck pond.....sick or swim, eat or be eaten!! I married young and hadn't dated too much before I took the plunge, so I'm at even more of a disadvantage then the average 30-something divorcee with 2 kids. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself hip and all.....I know what "friends with benefits" are, but it's one thing to know what it is and another to try to execute it.

Obviously, being straight out of a marriage, I'm not looking to get into some kind of lock-it-down, love-u-forever arrangement. Naturally, the "friends with benefits" appealed to me. So, i looked around, kept my eyes open for a potential candidate. This, in itself, was very difficult. How do you pick....who qualifies? And you'd be surprised how many guys aren't really down for this type of "relationship". Something about a guy turning down free sex with no strings attached seemed completely foreign to me.

So, finally a candidate. We'll call him "D". He was a co-worker, a little younger, totally hot.....and definitely a player!! For sure, he would be down. We talked at work.....and out of work, but never seemed to end up at the same place at the same time. We were friends and got along good. This went on for months. Then finally we ended up at the same party one night. This was it....I was gonna get this "friends with benefits" off the proverbial ground! And we did, drunk of course, but completely his initiation. (I know you'd like the nitty-gritty details, but it's not gonna happen.) D was very sweet and kind and stayed the night and we cuddled in the morning. Part of me expected for him to disappear completely, cause that's what guys do after a drunken hook up....they panic and disappear. But D didn't. We continued to talk on the phone and at work and see each other occasionally.

It took me a while to figure out that we weren't exactly "friends with benefits". We were friends....who hung out and talked a lot....but the benefits were lacking. I began to become self conscious. Oh God, what had I done that was so horrifying that the "benefits" were now off the table? He had seemed to enjoy our time and I didn't think I was that bad....in fact, I had references....i was good, damn it!! So, what had happened??

It took me some time of getting to know him to figure it out, but I think I finally put my finger on it. Guys are scared!! They're scared of women. D had a string of drunken hook ups that he remained friends with but without the extras. His theory was that if he let these women get too close to him he would be held to some type of relationship he didn't want. And no amount of convincing from me would sway him that I wouldn't want to marry him in 3 months. I know some girls are like that, but I'm not....I swear! Yes, you're cute and yes, you're nice but you are not marriage material!


We're still friends and talk often and the "benefits" are definitely off the table. I think I'm relieved about that. If he's gonna freak out about something that isn't gonna happen and flatter himself that I would actually want something more, then I don't want the drama. I think I'm giving up on "friends with benefits". I don't think I actually know someone where that ended good. Oh well, nothing gained nothing lost.


**The Long of it**

A Croc of Crap

I hate Crocs! Who decided that these are real shoes?

Let me start with a couple of disclaimers... First, if you are a nurse, by all means I understand you wearing Crocs. Second, if you use them for gardening or walking along river bottoms, I think Crocs may be a fine choice. However, for all of the rest of the population wearing these horrendous shoes I have to ask, What in Heaven's Name are you thinking?

These shoes are ugly. They are not a fashion statement. I saw a well intentioned woman wearing them in church, this is not appropriate, these do not qualify as Sunday Best. These shoes are slovenly and they look like colorful tires, not footwear.

I confess, in the early nineties I made my mistakes. As a Jr. High student I wore socks and Birkenstocks as well as socks and Tevas. Oh, the horror of it. But, for the love of Pete! I learned my lesson. I repented of my ways. I grew up and bought some appropriate foot fashions. These ugly things have creeped in to society everywhere. Children, Grandmothers and last week I saw a man in my office wearing them.

Please America, I beg you! Please, keep these contraptions at your back door to wear in the garden. Keep them where they belong!

--The Short of it